21 July 2006


Me: Go away.

Inner Nagging Voice: I didn't say anything.

Me: You were going to.

INV: How do you know?

Me: Because. You're me.

INV: Oh, yeah.

Me: You remind me that you're me everytime you nag me, so don't go all innocent on me now.

INV: Ok, ok.

Me: So what is it? Are you going to tell me to cheer up?

INV: No.

Me: Good. Because sometimes I think cheering up is bullshit. And I'm a pretty cheery guy by nature.

INV: You used to be.

Me: Is this really the time?

INV: You used to be the life and soul of every party. Hell, you used to have parties at the drop of a hat. Remember stair surfing?

Me: This is inappropriate.

INV: Why?

Me: Well, news - in general - is bad. Both at home and abroad. And I just think that you giving me grief because I'm not the party animal I used to be is in poor taste. So fuck off.

INV: It's not the party animal thing.

Me: Well then what is it? Because at the moment there's a bombardament of awful things happening to those nearest and dearest, lives in turmoil and all that shit and I cannot do anything about and that is just fucking rubbish and I had a party last weekend thank you very much.

INV: Breathe. So you're feeling sorry for yourself because of dreadful things happening to other people?

Me: I'm not going to apologise for being upset at what's happening.

INV: Being upset is fine. You're allowed to be upset. You need to be upset. If you weren't upset, that would be frightening. But feeling sorry for yourself - no. That's not right.

Me: Why? Why can't I have a break and feel sorry for myself? Why can't I have a mope?

INV: Because it's not happening to you. Because you are living and breathing and are still getting news that is good, because you're writing and writing with belief and conviction, because you're trying to chase a dream and be true to yourself, and that's what's best for you and that's what all those people, the friends and family who may be hurting now, who may be happy now, want - the best for you, not because it would make you happy, but because it's you. And sitting around moping over uncertainties is easier than pushing ahead in spite of them. Get over yourself.

Me: That was pretty cheesy.

INV: Fuck you.

Me: I'm going to post that picture of the thistles.

INV: Whatever floats your boat.

Me: You were right, of course.

INV: I know.

Me: Well, you are part of me after all.

Thistles on the Thames - how apt

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