I haven't slept properly since Sunday evening. I'm not sure why. But Monday, my first night of little sleep, saw me lying on back, eyes wide staring at the ceiling until about 430 or 5 in the morning. When sleep did come, it was brief and followed by a 400 mile drive. Tuesday, exhausted from the drive and lack of sleep, I went to my bed early and attempted various contortions for about 3 or 4 hours before finally passing out. Yesterday was the yo-yo between Fife, West Lothian, Perthshire and Edinburgh - back and Forth (geddit?) to touch base with as many of the gang as possible while still making it home in time for dinner. I was late for dinner. And after dinner was out again for a cup of tea with someone whose wife I'd rather have had a cup of tea with. Again, pretty tiring. Again, hours before Morpheus grabbed me.
There's quite a lot on my mind at the moment, and I have a stiff knee. I massage the knee and stretch it to subdue the stiffness. I try the same with the stuff on my mind, but have more luck with the knee. Any one of the things on my mind could be hindering my zzzz's and I do go through all of them a couple of times while staring at the ceiling, wall, window or pillow - I'd probably be better counting sheep.
I said goodbye to a beautiful girl yesterday. It was an odd parting. For a brief time we were inseparable, much to the chagrin of her then boyfriend. She played a large part in me wanting to rediscover adventure and look back to goals long forgotten. Sadly, running alongside her own sense of adventure was a naive, blind conformity to the people she felt she had to run with and the direction her life should take. For such a passionate person to be so dispassionate, yet focused, about the course of her life broke my heart a little. Maybe she's right, and corporate finance, MBA's and no vacation time is right up her alley. But there's no excitement or even trepidation when she talks about it - just a shrug of shoulders and a blank look of inevitability. Apparently it's what all the cool kids are doing. I mentioned this a few times but to deaf ears and we grew apart in as little time as we'd been friends in the first place. Yesterday's meeting was cordial and affectionate and we drank our sparkling water with smiles, but I fear it really was goodbye. There were no silly squirrel impressions and no fond recollections, just a recital of brand names purchased and luxury holidays to be booked for the future.
I brought film with me to get developed in St Andrews because people in-the-know know that it's the place to get film developed. Sadly, as good a developer as Ian Joy's is, they are only as good as what they're given and not since I started taking pictures have I snapped such rubbish. Maybe 2 pics in 3 rolls worth looking at, but certainly not posting. Oh well.
In spite of all this, Scotland has once again fit like a snug glove, the cats are in excellent form and even the weather's been good. On my run this morning I found many a toad and even some wild borage - a perfect Pimm's garnish - growing on the banks of the Union Canal. I'll be sorry to leave tomorrow but may be back sooner than planned.
Hopefully with more sleep. It's bothering me, the lack of sleep. It's sort of like the twitch I had last year. If it's some sort of response to stress and fatigue, then it's a bad one - it just makes me more stressed and fatigued. Sometimes it strikes me that I'm angry about something, but it eludes me as to what that may be. Perhaps I'll try a nap.