Me: Where have you been?
Little Nagging Voice: Dude, your mom's home, what do you need me for?
Me: I need you now more than ever.
LNV: You mean you want more nagging?
Me: No, I want the right nagging.
Me: What do you mean, 'ah'?
LNV: Well, up til now, everytime we've spoken you've told me to shut the fuck up. So that was a bit of a self-satisfied-because-I-told-you-so 'ah'.
Me: Ah. That was the oh-christ-what-a-wanker 'ah'.
LNV: I am a facet of you after all.
Me: Whatever. If you're a facet of me then where were you this morning? Not only did I not go for my run but I had pizza for breakfast.
LNV: So you missed a day. You'll be back out tomorrow. And pizza for breakfast tastes good.
Me: That's not very nagging.
Me: I haven't updated my CV. Surely that calls for some snide comments.
LNV: That's not that urgent. Unless there's some fantastic job you're applying for and haven't even told the rest of your consciousness about it. And don't call me Shirley.
Me: Well what fucking good are you if you're not going to nag me about something?
LNV: What did you do yesterday?
Me: You must have read my whiney post.
LNV: Ah yes, fixing computers. And the day before?
Me: Helped mom with stuff - been doing some work for dad too.
LNV: Very selfless.
LNV: So, how's the writing going?
Me: OK, not great but ok.
LNV: How do you know?
Me: Well, you know, it feels good. I've had a lot on so I haven't been able to -
LNV: A lot on what? What's more important to the course of your life than writing this book?
Me: Nothing - but family commitments, friends -
LNV: You want to be a successful novelist, not a jobless daydreamer who can help with the odd IT problem.
Me: Fuck you man - I need to help the people I care about.
LNV: The people you care about care about you and want you, more than anything, to be happy and successful and that's not going to happen if you don't get a bit more fucking selfish. Do you think your mom would be lamenting your lack of job and questioning your goals if you'd, instead of jumping at the chance to help her out at Sainsbury's, told her to fuck off because you were writing?
LNV: I know that 'ah' - that's a you-know-I'm-fucking-right 'ah'. So I'm going to ask you again - how do you know the writing's going ok?
Me: I just sort of feel I'm on the right track.
LNV: But you've had no feedback?
Me: I haven't - I don't - I haven't shown it to anyone yet.
LNV: You should've shown it to the squid months ago.
Me: I know. But it's hard - you just - the whole premise is so important that if she doesn't like it I don't know what I'll do - I'll just have been wasting 8 months of work.
LNV: She's your friend - if you can't show it to her then you won't be able to show it to anyone and you'll have wasted 8 months of work. Finish cleaning up the chapters and send them to her and finish the fucking novel. And start telling your family and friends to fuck off - you're busy. Then I can get back to nagging you.
Me: This wasn't nagging?
LNV: More ranting really. You're pissing me off. Just be selfish. This is for you. Live for you. And remember, chicks dig selfish guys.
LNV: Dude, totally.